More penguins from under my bed.
Donald Trump’s Inauguration Speech…
…was surprisingly good wasn’t it? In case you didn’t catch it…
My fellow Americans,
It’s great to be here today. Really, truly great. I’m standing here, once again, ready to get to work for you, the incredible people of this country. Because let’s face it—our country, as great as it is, has been going in the wrong direction for a long time. And now, right now, we have the chance to change that. We have the chance to do things no one’s ever done before. Big things. Smart things.
Now, I’ve got seven pledges for you. Seven. And trust me, they’re not like the empty promises you’ve heard for years. These are real. As real as milk. We’re going to make this country better—better for you, better for your families, better for your eternal souls.
First, energy. For too long, we’ve been chasing oil, fighting wars for it, drilling in places we shouldn’t be drilling, and you know what? It’s not working. It’s terrible. It’s messing everything up. So we’re going to stop. We’re going to use the little energy we already have wisely to transition to a low-calorie, subsistence economy. We’re going to live a lot simpler, folks—because that’s the way forward. Not backward. Forward.
Second, healthcare. Let me tell you something—it’s not just the system that’s broken. It’s the whole idea of healthcare. We’ve let a medical industry take control of our bodies, our lives, our futures. They’ve taken control, and it’s done more harm than good, believe me. They call it care, but it’s not care. It’s a big, ugly machine—thrives on sickness, turns people into patients, makes us weak. Helpless! We’re gonna stop it. We’re going to build something incredible, from the ground up. Real health, folks—community care, natural health, putting people in charge of their own bodies again. That’s the future, folks. It’s gonna be amazing. Believe me.
Now let me tell you about technology. Our whole way of life. Built around machines and energy—it’s out of control. Cars that trap you in endless traffic. Factories pumping poison into the air. Energy systems wasting more than they give. Screens? Nobody leaves the internet any more—terrible, folks, just terrible. Technology is the ruin of man, believe me. It’s not freedom, it’s slavery to a system that doesn’t care about you. It’s turning us into machines, and we’re not going to let that happen. We’re going to change everything. We’re going to break the internet, pull the plug, slow things down and rebuild communities the right way, from the bottom up. Trust me.
Fourth, inequality. And this one—you’re going to love this one. Did you know that the three richest Americans have more money than half the country combined? Think about that. It’s disgusting. It’s wrong. And under my administration, it’s going to end. We’re going to make sure this country works for everyone, not just the billionaires. They’re all here with me today too—Musk, Bezos and Zuckerberg—so, let me tell you, they’re behind this. They’re right behind this. They’re going to give all their money away.
Fifth, work. Millions of Americans are stuck in jobs they detest. It’s terrible. They’re miserable. No meaning, no purpose. Death I tell ya. And kids today—our kids—they’re so lost, so alienated. They don’t see any hope. They don’t see a way out. They’re killing themselves and they’re killing each other. That’s going to change. We’re going to create purposeful lives — in fact we’re not going to create it, we’re just going to get out the way so that you can create it. We’re going to completely do away with wage slavery. You know Lao Tzu? Smart guy. Big mind. He said that When you don't trust people enough, Then they are untrustworthy. Think about that.
Sixth, food. Now, I don’t need to tell you our food system is broken. It’s horrible. You go to the store, you pick up something, and half the time it’s not even real food. It’s garbage. And it’s killing us. Even the vegetables. They don’t have nutrients folks, because the soil is half-dead. We’re going to fix that. We’re going to support farmers who grow good, honest food. I’m talking permaculture, I’m talking farming that helps the land, that doesn’t strip it of soil. We’re going to make sure every American eats better, cooks better, lives better. Healthier. It’s just common sense.
And finally—number seven—this one’s the most important of all. We’re going to bring love back into the world. Real unconditional love. Love for each other, love for our planet — that’s all great, but number one is unconditional love. It just burns in your heart. Passion. I’m talking about passion. You don’t need a professional for that, you don’t need a priest. I’m telling you, it’s radiating from the rocks. Isn’t that fabulous? It’s everywhere. It brings tears to my eyes folks, look at me here, I’m weeping like a baby.
So that’s the deal, folks. We’ve got a big job ahead of us, but I know we can do it. Together, we’re going to take this country to spiritual heights no one ever thought possible. We’re going to turn America into a fully conscious primal manifestation of God, a beautiful living creature. Ever hear of Fyodor Dostoyevsky? Course you have. Fabulous guy, personal friend of mine. He said we can only save the world through beauty, and that’s what we’re going to do. I’m talking the Palm Tree Garden. All the people of the world will look to us with gratitude. Thank you, God bless you, and God bless the United States of America!
It was a real relief to hear all that, because I was supposing that Trump would sprinkle fairy dust over the collapse and not put his foot down on the petroleum pedal (ignoring the fact that the ‘alarmist’ IPCC predictions, ten years ago, of a 1.5% global mean temperature rise actually happened last year), that he would give even more money-power to unaccountable multi-billionaires without lifting a finger to prevent the entrenched class structure that enriches them, that he would give Israel a green light for its final ‘clean out’ of Palestinians from their own land, that he would further erode the capacity of ordinary people to manage their own affairs by expanding the sickening, atomising, technocratic death-cult ever deeper into our lives, that, under the cover of being ‘against’ leftist wokeism, his administration would dismantle essential state services and would pass populist laws which make no real difference to the functioning of the system but which, like the promises he made on the run-up to his election, would dupe the self-glorifying democrapathic masses into believing that his administration would be fundamentally different to the inhuman puppet-show which preceded it or indeed that ‘Trump’ is in charge and not the technological system which directs the interests of both left and right.
But no, no. It looks like everything’s going to be okay!